You are what you wear

Do you struggle to get out of bed in the morning? Do you need a little boost to get you through the day? Are you constantly fatigued or feeling unfit? Or are you frustrated on a daily basis as you watch your energetic peers sipping on endless lattes in their gym attire, while you struggle to walk from the lounge room to the kitchen without breaking into a sweat?

You are not alone. Thousands of Australians are facing the same dilemma as they tediously lift their coffees to their mouths – hoping to see their biceps bulge – only to be disappointed time and time again.

Well, it doesn’t have to be this way. The solution is simple. Magic pills, diets and miracle cures are pointless. The answer is ‘literally’ all around you; your clothing. You are what you wear and you won’t be busting any swanky moves at the gym in your skinny jeans and stilettos.

Accessorize with a drink bottle, slap on a pair of 2XU tights, order a long black or cappuccino and you’ll be an instant athlete. Scores of resourceful women have been doing this for decades, but fortunately, the clothes are now off the hanger ladies.

We know the real meaning of activewear- ‘I don’t give a s%&t what I look like,’ but shhhhh. No one needs to know that. As far as they know, you just ran off the court after three rounds of tennis with Maria Sharapova.

Sound appealing? Wait until you hear that this little piece of enlightening information is absolutely free. No lock in contracts. No hidden clauses. Just don your sneakers and a gym towel and it’ll be like you and all your athleticism just stepped off the treadmill.

In fact, you’ll probably even save a few pennies once you discover this comfortable way of living. A year of smelly sneakers, Aldi compression pants and outdated hoodies will certainly fill a void in any budget. Once you reach instant ‘elite fitness’ status, you will be granted the financial freedom you have always dreamed of. The coffee dates are here to stay girls.

People will start noticing almost instantly…

‘Have you just been to the gym?’ No. It’s the first thing I found on the floor.

‘Oh, you are looking fit.’ Really? Wow. Must be this sweat-wicking fabric.

‘How was your run?’ Um, what run? Oh, did you mean twelve hours ago? I ran out of time for a shower.

‘Are you going to the gym?’ Hmmmm. Maybe next month. I’m ready, just in case.

This new fitness revelation comes with many benefits. No more meaningless and time-consuming tasks such as getting dressed, hair brushing, makeup application or showering to be had in your activewear. You simply put the clothing on in the morning and take it off just before bed – it’s as easy as that! And in the rare case that a fitness opportunity arises, your resources will be more favourable.

They say you are what you wear. Would you want to be the flashy kitchen chair made of cheap steel; common, uncomfortable, freezing and unsteady on your feet? Or would you rather be your grandmother’s distinct floral recliner? Aged, resilient, worn, unique, super comfortable and able to withstand anything. Something that is so comfortable, that there’s a chance you might never get out of it. Now that’s a tough one.

Forget diet pills and miracle shakes- it’s all in your mind. Don the visor, strap on the Garmin watch and slide on your Vibram five fingers as you line up for your takeaway coffee, and you’ll feel like Usain Bolt; sprinting to his 100m world record destiny.

If you haven’t already raced out the door in your microfiber t-shirt in anticipation, get this. If your VO2 Max hasn’t graduated to elite status in one week, you have permission to treat yourself to a guilt-free dinner for two in your tracky pants and moccasins. That should get some attention; a guaranteed upgrade to ‘celebrity’ status.

TESTIMONIALS

‘I always dreamed of being a marathon runner, but never thought it was possible until I started wearing Skins and quit brushing my hair. I was asked so many times if I had been for a run that I believed I really had. I am so grateful. None of this would have been possible without my activewear.’

‘It transformed my life. Not only did I have more energy, but my work productivity increased ten-fold. I used to stagger through the office, covered in blisters. Now, I’m the envy of all my colleagues as I lunge all the way to the photocopiers.’

‘I used to restrict calories, but now I just press start on my Garmin and I can eat what I want.’

‘Activewear is a miracle. I’ve tried wearing high heels and wedges, but that only resulted in bruises and “awkward” moments. I was punishing myself. Now that I’ve found sneakers and technical tees, dreaming of working out has never been easier. I’ve found muscles in places I didn’t know existed. It’s incredible.’

Note: This post is intended to humour you. Note that I am a repeat ‘activewear’ offender myself. Remember that beauty is what lies within, so if you want to go out for dinner in your stilettos, moccasins or even in your undies, who are the rest of us to pass judgment. Go for it!

Watch the following clip (went viral last year) about ‘activewear.’  Photo & video: Youtube/ Skit Box

 

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